Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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