my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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