A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
