Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
