I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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