Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
