I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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