My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
