I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
