my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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