Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
