I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
