Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize