He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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