Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
