dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
