I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
