the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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