I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i just sent this text using only my big toe
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
