Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
