I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
