tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
