Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
