I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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