you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
