Four minutes until I can fart!
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
