have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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