I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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