I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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