Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize