I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
