It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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