I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
