dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
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