Umm I'm too high to move.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Shame is for Republicans.
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