so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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