I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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