Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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