Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
