i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize