Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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