I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
