Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
