He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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