just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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