I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
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Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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