i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize