Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
