Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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