We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
