i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize
