You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
