Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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