I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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