DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
