he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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