I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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