My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
