Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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